Some of you may have noticed yesterday when I posted a new status that something something to the effect of "Wanted to get home to an empty house, got here and wondered why I was so anxious to be here?" or something like that. I used to say, and believe, that on the whole I preferred my own company to that of others. Now I find myself in an interesting, for me, situation.
I am 40 years old (still can't believe I lived this long AND stayed out of prison. So far.) and I live in a 3 bedroom house that I rent. I originally got this house because my ex-girlfriend (Claudia) had kids and we needed the room. After I broke up with her, I did a friend a favor and let her stay here until she deployed. All told she had a room here for about 2 months, but we rarely saw each other, mostly because we lead very different lifestyles and have only 3 friends in common. She deployed about a month ago.
So here I am in this house all by my lonesome. Sometimes it's cool, because if I feel the need to walk around the house with my shlong (or in my case shlort) hanging out...I can. (Of course I have to stay away from the kitchen because the curtains in there are sheer so if the lights are on, free show for the neighborhood, and I don't want the local kids to scarred that badly). If I feel the need to play Guitar Hero XXXVIII-Barry Manilow Edition, I can. So all in all, it's not too bad. Except...
In my 40 years of life, I have never really lived alone before, at least not like this. I've lived in the barracks with no roommates, which rocks! And I've lived in various houses and apartments in my life, but never without someone there. Yes, it has historically been a girlfriend, but even having Jenny (my roomie) around was ok for the most part.
My best friend lives about 1/2 a mile form me, but we don't spend as much time together as we would like between work, kids, etc, we are always on the go. I don't have people over, because I don't really hang out with a lot of people. I can't have a pet because I travel so much that the little bugger would spend most of it's time being boarded somewhere.
Realizing now what I used to say about preferring to be alone, I see that once again I had my head in my ass. Because I don't really like being alone. I like having a someone around (as long as it's not Ed).
Carl (my BFF) is married to a (usually) wonderful woman. I say usually, but she's always been a great friend to me unless we disagree. When we disagree, it's almost always about women. They have been married for somewhere right around 25 years, and I have known them for 21 of those.
In the beginning, she was receptive to the 2 g/f's of mine that she met (Kim and Kelly). She did get a little pissed at me when I married my 1st wife (Michelle) without telling her, and she was less than pleased that I married Kris too.
Granted, both of those marriages were mistakes. Obviously, since I've divorced one and am almost done (finally) divorcing the 2nd. But they really were mistakes. The 1st time I was TOO young and immature, and we had only known each other a few months (Michelle I hope this doesn't offend). The 2nd time (Kris) we had only known each other a few months. Anyone seeing a pattern?
After that was over, it was decided that I needed some time away, so I called Carl and Shawn (that's his "blushing bride" as he loves to say). And what did my BFF's do? How did they have MY back? They paid for a plane ticket for me to come spend a week with them. (YOU thought I was gonna say something else, din'cha) Anyway, they brought me to them, and helped me pick up the pieces. Again.
After Dawn was Claudia. Shawn knew it was a bad idea, but did I listen? Ahhh...you know me. I can hear you all saying "NOOOOOOO! Dumbass!" And dumbass I was. I loved Claudia and still care about her quite a bit, and I know that she loved me as well, but that wasn't enough. So I broke her heart and broke up with her after almost 2 years.
Which puts me where I am today. Shawn and I disagreeing a little bit again. (It really is just a little bit). She tells me that I don't need anyone. And in way she is correct. I don't NEED someone, I CAN survive alone...
heehee). I don't drink too much, nor do I use drugs. I have a good job, a great retirement package, and insurance. I am reasonably intelligent, and have a wide-ranging set of skills and experience. I will never be voted Sexiest Man Alive (unless there's some kind of uber-catastrophe) but I am not fugly (yes I spelled it right). I can be overbearing and obnoxious, loud, rude and crass but I can also sit down at a black-tie dinner and carry myself accordingly. And yet I am alone and not really enjoying my life as much as I should be.
I like being able to come home to someone. I like sharing things with someone. I like the thought of watching a movie or TV show with someone. Is that so wrong? Most of you that I know read this have that, so why can't I? If I was overseas or something like that, then that would be a different situation, but it's not and I'm not. So what's the problem? I know that right now, most of this is my fault, it usually is, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier to deal with or accept. And here's the part that will make many of you think I'm full of shit. It has nothing to do with sex. At all. Period. End of story. No horseshit, Wang. Obviously, like Fez, I have needs, but those needs are not driving me for the most part anymore. They're more of a benefit than a necessity. Thank Someone for internet porn (even for me thanking God in that instance sounded like a bad idea).
And I don't want ANYONE thinking that I am dogging Shawn, because I'm not. She has always been there to pick up the pieces when I need her, and even though she has threatened me that she will not do it next time, I know she will. That's what family does. And they are my family. Carl and Shawn are a much better brother and sister to me then my real sibs ever were. So if you got the idea that it was a love/hate relationship...well you might be right there. I love to screw my life up, and she hates seeing me do it. Carl, Shawn I love you both and thank you.
Okay, that's pretty much all I have for now. I know it'll all be okay, but sometimes it's nice to have a one-sided conversation with people.
Many of you out there know me very well. Some of you have commented to me that I am acting more mature than I used to, and I'm fairly confident that at least one of you will think that upon reading this. Thank you. Now I'm going to go watch some Beavis and Butthead re-runs.
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